But one poorly-judged jump soaked my shoes and that's all it took to shift me out of the moment and into my head. I thought about that jump, and how it typified how hard it is to balance being comfortable and taking risks because they rely on judgement, the scale that weighs them both and makes the call.
Yes, I'm still working on Stage 3 of the DOCC program for my post-concussive syndrome. Distancing myself enough to see how I'm doing with balance.
Most of the time we think of balance as dichotomous:
- family time vs. work
- duty vs. pleasure
- others vs. self
But all have this third component, the judge who makes the choices when the two come into conflict.
One of the things that sucks about a brain injury is that judge is gone, or acting like she's drunk, stalling on decisions, veering from one extreme to another, ruling with a "what the hell, let's get this over with" philosophy.
I'm way down the road to recovery so I've got my judge sober and on the bench but she still struggles to make a good ruling, especially when there are not only two but three things to balance. As we all know from grammar school (or photography), friendships of three are unstable, listing one way and then the other because now it's about "equal," not about what feels right,
My biggies in terms of unstable tripods:
- Recovering lost skills, learning new ones and relaxing into those things I do well
- Dividing time between my family, my marriage and myself.
- Trusting what I think, what I feel, or what I'm told
- Writing new stories, revising older ones and taking classes that will help me in the future
- Focusing on returning to work, choosing a new career or living the best life I can now
- Wondering if someone can heal me, knowing I need to heal myself, accepting myself status quo
The theme in a lot of these is considering the past, future and present but to live well, we need all three. The key to happiness and a productive life is finding your fusion of all three, but how?
I titled one of my posts "Post-concussive mud" because of how often I get bogged down in the muddle of competing desires or demands. Balancing all three equally is the simplest, but rarely the smartest. No one said balance was about hanging onto the middle but with three anything else tilts.
The center instead needs to be a fulcrum, transferring energy one way and then the other, Adjusting, modifying, holding and overseeing. Weighing and then deciding. Judging well. Wise.
Just like the Serenity Prayer triad: change, acceptance, and the scale that knows the difference.