Sunday, November 3, 2013


from wikipedia
Jeff Bridges is an interesting guy and I've loved watching him act since Starman came out in 1986, not the least because I believed my name should have been Jenny Hayden and fantastical things should be happening to me. I did get married, and my name became Hayden, but the most surreal thing I experienced that year was listening to the Boston Red Sox almost win the World Series (the curse was so close to being over that year).

The next Jeff Bridges movie I loved was Fearless , which came out the year I finished my clinical psych master's and was studying families and trauma and mental illness. Jeff says his own personal favorite is probably Dude in The Big Lebowski, not my taste but I'm a drama girl. He's a lot like Dude, if you read the latest interview in GQ, which is very entertaining and also very real.

And Dude is surprisingly deep.

Jeff dodges questions when he wants to, but recently stopped dodging every question about his relationship with his wife. Every marriage has secrets and Jeff kept his, for the most part, but expressed a few regrets:

Jeff Bridges in GQ October 2013

"My wife and I have been married for 36 years. I'm deeply in love with her, but every once in a while we'll get into what I like to refer to as our 'deep, ancient battle.' It's always very elusive and it's hard to find the real kernel of it, but basically it is about this: 'You don't get it. You don't get what it's like to be me.' Neither of us really understands what it's like to be that other person." 
I think this is almost universally true in relationships of any type--workmates, parents and children, friends, siblings, or partners--and kind of profound. When you spend years together, as you almost always do with those you're close to, you imagine that in all that time, they will have latched onto the essence of you and appreciate you and forgive you in that context. Every time.

But each of us is to complicated. Contradictory, and ever-changing. Last week you were laughing at your messy house but this week you're embarrassed. What changed? You went to your neighbors' and hers was warm and colorfully decorated for the holidays. You didn't want to leave. It felt so homey. The next day your house is clean and you're on HGTV looking for ideas.

Who are you?
Hard for others to tell. Hard even for ourselves to know. But we're still convinced others should know what makes us happy or aggravated, sentimental or flustered. And that because they don't know, they don't care.

But I remember when I was six or seven, and first discovered the flip side of being misunderstood, which is the power of being unknown. It might have been a time I lied, or hid something from my parents. Possibly it was when they were forcing me to eat something I didn't want to (for smart people, they did that a lot) or say something apologetic (ditto). And in one of my first "aha" moments, I realized they couldn't do it. No one could make me say or do anything--and best yet--they had no idea what was going on in my mind.

Or at least not all of it. Took me a while to get a bland "poker face" down.

So I try to remember this is one of the really cool things about everyone on earth being different. No one will think or write or talk or act exactly like I do, or know how I'll do any of those things in advance. This may cause friction with my husband because I want him to conveniently anticipate my needs and understand my frustrations without my having to express them. I may then be shocked at the flip way he misinterprets and minimizes, trying to jolly me out of something I'm intent on having a hissy over. But in the end, I say:
Magical Mystery Tour of 100 Beatles Songs

Small price for being our own private magical mystery tour.

Enjoy your secrets with yourself this week :).

Love, Lisa

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