Sunday, June 3, 2012

Everyday Sex

Sex is good for you.  It feels good and elevates your mood, the physical exertion helps your body, it's an elixir for your relationships, it boosts your self-confidence and it brightens your outlook on life.  Dr. Oz goes so far as to say it is one of the best things you should do with your body everyday.  We live in an affluent culture and often have the time, resources and ability to  cook and eat interesting and healthy foods, find physical activities we enjoy even if they involve gear and travel, spend time outdoors and at concerts, play with children, live in comfortable homes, get massages and medical treatments for our bodies, shop for nice clothes, read good books, enjoy sports and beaches and vacation in exciting places.  Sex is making its way onto this list--as a healthy pleasure for our mind, body and marriage.

The other list is the work list, the things we have to do:  going to our jobs, doing the laundry, sitting through a  another baby shower or contentious family dinner, disciplining the kids.  For many women sex has long been on this work list, not as a frequent pleasure but an occasional obligation.  Even now, the majority of Americans have sex once or less a week and in a predictable routine, one that is so frequently linked to rewarding men for help around the house that the pre-sex tasks have their own word, 'choreplay.'

What the Fifty Shades books have done so effectively is to take sex off the work list and put it on the play list for these women, mainly by taking the work out of it for them.  Like most erotic romance using bondage and discipline there is a fantasy at play:  an extremely hot sex-god with a lot of money and no children or ex-wives in the wings is waiting, no begging to worship your body in such a way that you will have sexual pleasure beyond what you have ever imagined.  The hitch?  Only that you give total control to him, as he not only gets off on that control but can be trusted to know your sexual responses better than you do and to stoke your passion in such a perfectly orchestrated rhythm that you will in turn beg him for more, more, more of whatever he wants to do to you.  And, that you accept his punishment when the rules he lays down for you are broken.  This "power exchange" between the sexual dominant and sexual submissive will include, be forewarned, use of vibrators, restraints, spanking benches, role play, nipple clamps, paddles, blindfolds, orgasm control, exhibitionism, sex clubs, high heels and other various sex toys and games.  Sign up for this and you are guaranteed to be happily having sex of every possible iteration all the time, and to be desired and cherished to within an inch of your life.

I have yet to meet a woman (though I know they're out there) who has not been turned on by the Fifty Shades  trilogy.  My husband played for me the Saturday Night Live clip from Mother's Day weekend that was hilarious showing all Mommy really wants for her special day is some "alone" time with the book and the nearest available vibrating surface.  But really, most people don't want to only have sex with themselves.  The author, E.L. James, writes compelling relationship drama that pulls you along through adventures and arguments and sex and more sex until you fall asleep wondering when you will ever experience such passion and pleasure with another person, in real life and not just books.

Since it is a romance book, feel free to indulge in the fantasy.  If you're looking for a mate it's always possible that someone like Christian Grey could come along for you.  That is, a billionaire genius with a tortured soul and a gorgeous body who will see the real you and become obsessed despite your average looks and abilities; offer  you love and intimacy he's never dared to bare before;  worship your body to daily sexual ecstasy (as above);  love you endlessly, and use your love to heal his psychic wounds;  care enough to make sure you are fed especially well by his in-home cook and housekeeper in an unspeakably beautiful home;  protect you with his special ops assistant/driver; dress you with his personal shopper at the store of your dreams;  engage in clever and flirtatious repartee on your blackberry;   fete you with his family who will similarly adore you for making him happer than he'd ever been before;  take you on thrilling adventures that your being present makes much more exciting for him;   and recognize your true talents and provide you with the perfect forum for them so that you can be independent and successful in your own right.

Or, you can adapt the fantasy to real life, and accept that you will continue to have to do most of those things for yourself,and perhaps live without the more exotic gear and tricked-out 'playrooms,' but you can read erotic (or regular) romance to help get you in the mood and find other ways to be more open to new sexual experiences and acquiescent to your sexual partner.   Allow him free reign and see where that goes.

For there often is a handsome someone who is looking to unlock the sexual mysteries of you and bring you to sexual heights you've never reached, and he's usually sleeping right next to you.  After you turned him down.  Because he didn't clear out the drain like he promised.  And the slowly pooling water in the sink is making you too stressed to contemplate sex.  And it's not yet Saturday.

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